The Eighth Page

The Love Counseling Office: An Exposé

As the Love Counseling Office (LCO) process draws closer for Uppers and comes to an end for Seniors, Features just wants to offer a friendly campus refresher on the LCO. The LCO is Andover’s new student service aimed at cultivating relationships on campus. During Upper Winter, the LCO requests that all students fill out a questionnaire regarding what they look for in a prospective mate.

In recent years, the questionnaire has asked questions like: “What size mate are you looking for (large, medium, small)?” or “Would you prefer a rural, hardworking mate or a cynical, urban mate?” These questions are aimed at making students really consider what they want and think critically about their future relationships.

The LCO, however, can only do so much for an Andover student. Students themselves must do the dirty work, especially by hanging around the Den or showing off in the gym to attract suitors. Some students have spoken out against this process, saying it objectifies prospective significant others.

“I don’t want to lift everyday. I actually really hate it. But I know that if I don’t lift, I’ll never attract a lover, and my parents are putting a lot of pressure on me to be accepted by a top-tier female,” whimpered Bob “Beefy” Schnitzel ’14, Captain of the Varsity Spinning team.

Despite these pressures, there is a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. One anonymous Senior claimed, “Sometimes the LCO process is rough. Even I was rejected by 11 prospective mates in March of my Senior year alone! Alas, one of my close friends eventually agreed to mate with me ‘platonically.’ And now that I’ve been happily married for almost two years, I realize that I am finally free to focus on the fun stuff, like crushing schoolwork and laser tagging!”

Another point of controversy in the LCO process is the procuring of teacher recommendations. Some students claim that they feel pressured to flaunt their sensual prowess around their teachers, but oftentimes these amorous gestures creep out the faculty. One anonymous teacher told Features, “We are perfectly fine when students increase their in-class participation to garner a better LCO rec, but there has to be boundaries. For instance, one student somehow found an excuse to show me his ‘exotic Brazilian stretching’ during conference period. While we understand how important these recs are to the LCO process, kissing teachers on the cheek before leaving class and attaching romantic poems to homework is in no way, shape or form appropriate.”

The consensus among students, however, is that the LCO ameliorates the mate searching process. In between 67 and 70 percent of surveyed students claim that they found “love” before graduation. We here at Features fully support the LCO, but also recommend the Tinder app and mail-order spouses as a back-up plan.