The Eighth Page

Cold Makes Students Even Less Outdoorsy

Over the past week, temperatures around Massachusetts have plummeted at an alarming rate. Despite the liberal agenda of global warming, temperatures are predicted to drop to about 0 Kelvin. The bitter cold is predicted to lead to even more friendly complaining on the path. Phillipians plan to take on this new Ice Age by preparing for hibernation. Students everywhere are trying to find ways in which they can limit any and all time spent outdoors. The primary leaders in the hibernation initiative are upperclassmen. These student leaders are coming up with surprisingly innovative strategies that will help everyone prepare for one of the harshest winters the school has ever faced, whilst saving the polar bears! The first and foremost method of maintaining sustenance is the famous “Food-in-a-Cup.” This innovation has been a long-standing tradition at Andover, but has gained popularity ever since the legendary increase in Paresky Commons’ paper cup size. Put some bounce into your ounce! By fitting more food and hot chocolate in the extra tall cups, students have been able to travel back to their dorms in order to eat alone and generally pant-less. When asked about how she gets her food, Lay Z. Bumm ’15 said, “During Fall Term, I ate my salad-in-a-cup alone, just to hide from everyone. But now the tall cups and the Ice Age give me the perfect excuse to hide entire pizzas or loaves of bread in these new tall cups, and head out before anyone notices!” Others have cut the chilling trip to Paresky altogether by ordering from the multitude of take-out businesses around Andover. This method reduces external exposure to only three minutes for that inevitably awkward exchange with the delivery agent. Phillipians have also started to sign in earlier and earlier. Many house counsellors have taken notice of the phenomenon: most Uppers, Seniors and Post-Graduates have started their final sign-in before their initial sign-in. The Lowers and Juniors are following suit. In addition to avoiding the cold, the Student Activities Board decided it was time for the school to generate some body heat. In light of this initiative, the entire student body gathered last weekend in Gelb Science Center. The heat produced from the collective mosh-pits, fist-pumping and general jumping was enough to fog up all of the windows in the beloved school building and provide enough warmth for one cold winter’s night.