The Eighth Page

“Fin’ly Famous!”-Big Sean

It’s June 2013. A speed-skating superstar enters The Smelly Cat, a trendy New York City restaurant. The hostess tells him he needs a reservation. His utterance of the utterly bathetic “Do you know who I am?” gets cut off as the hostess is distracted by Serena Williams, who enters stage left.

This distressing situation is commonplace for small time Winter Olympian athletes. The particular skater involved told a _Phillipian_ reporter, “The hostess asked Serena for an autograph and told her The Smelly Cat always saves room for superstars. Don’t they know that I get two seconds in SubwayTM ads every four years? I am sick and tired of everybody calling me a luger when I tell them that I’m a Winter Olympian!”

Oh, no! It appears we have a disgruntled Winter Olympian on our hands. This frustrated speed skater is only relevant for a maximum of three months out of every four years. Just six weeks after the Sochi Olympics, most conversations will take the sad path of, “Hey, remember the Olympics?” “Yeah, those were sweet. Go U.S.A.!”

Names like Tom Daly, Ryan Lochte and LeBron James haven’t even appeared on Twitter since August, 2012. But fear not, United States bobsledders, curlers and lugers alike, for your mediocre fame will soon be restored!

That is, unless you settle for a bronze or a silver. If that happens, you will remember what Ricky Bobby said about being last: it sucks to be a luger.

Instead of being ignominiously snubbed from hip restaurants in the village, winter athletes will feel welcome in a village of similarly-minded snow and ice enthusiasts including curlers, figure skaters and even the Jamaican bobsled team. Not to mention a whole bunch of lugers.

They shall perform feats of strength and beauty on ice in a town where average winter temperatures range from 51 to 53 degrees Fahrenheit! They will also struggle to comprehend why the International Olympic Committee announces everything in French during the opening ceremonies.

Luckily, a _Phillipian_ reporter was able to penetrate the top-secret U.S. Winter Olympic training center, located in Area 51. It should be clarified, however, that Area 51 is not a base in Nevada, but rather the basement of a Brooklyn thrift shop.

Anyway, in a shocking turn of events, Area 51 was revealed to be a SubwayTM processing plant where Michael Phelps, Mark Spitz, Lindsey Vonn, Apolo Ohno and Bode Miller farmed avocados. Ryan Lochte worked as the CEO. When asked why these athletes weren’t training, an angry US Women’s Hockey team kindly asked _The _Phillipian__ to leave.

Their spokeswoman said, “Look, we love you. We came to your school, so now you have two random Olympic flags hanging in your hockey rink. That’s probably cool for you, I guess. You must leave. This co-op is top secret, and we will be extremely famous until the end of March. For now, we have the right to treat you like the lugers you are.”

Hang in there, winter athletes. You’ll be famous again. And, if you’re really lucky, maybe you’ll even get to host SNL!