The Eighth Page

Lengthiest Adaptation of a J.R.R. Tolkien Novel

J.R.R. Tolkien novels have traditionally been successful in their film adaptations, so there’s been a new category has been added to the Academy Awards: The Lengthiest Film Adaptation of a J.R.R. Tolkien Novel. Needless to say, middle-aged men still living with their mothers are thrilled! The first nomination is an adaptation of Tolkien’s first and relatively unknown novel, “The Raucous Adventures of Samwise Gamgee.” This thrilling tale outlines the daily duties of Sam, a lovable and chubby little fella who spends most of his time preparing breakfast and gardening for his dearest friend, Frodo Baggins. The movie’s big moment is a four hour and eleventy three minute close up of Sam sodding Frodo’s grass while Frodo finishes his third lunch of the day and ultimately realizes he is slightly below average stature. The second nomination is “Legolas: Finally a Story Not About Hobbits.” Don’t be fooled by its title, because this 18-hour trilogy is in fact another story about a sheltered, unsuspecting and hairy-footed hobbit who turns out to be a hero. The tongue-twisting title was clearly just using the promise of Orlando Bloom to draw audiences back to theaters, as this tricksy movie has almost zero Legolas action but over an hour of footage of the hobbits leaving the shire. It’s definitely a contender for this award. The frontrunner for the award, however, is “Treebeard.” This 12-month-long spectacular is a real-time depiction of the changing of the seasons. The title character, Treebeard, and his band of fun-loving Ents stand motionless for the entirety of the motion picture while their leaves cycle through existence. The Features media specialists have mathematically deduced that this is the longest film and therefore the frontrunner, so it has a 60 percent chance of winning.