The Eighth Page

Best Foreign Actor in an American Film; “USA!”

This year, Americans have gotten lazier than ever. Not only have they outsourced customer service, manufacturing and maple syrup production, but they will also no longer star in their own patriotic films. Suffice to say “patriotism” shall be mourned in the montage at the end of this award show. Because we owe foreigners a lot of money, we will feature the Best Foreign Actor in an American Film as a category this year. Maggie Smith’s role in “American Pie 3” has critics saying “What?” and “Isn’t that the chick from Harry Potter?” Her role as Stifler’s main romantic interest was deeply touching and has earned her a nomination for Best Foreign Actor in an American Film. Reportedly, when Smith was contacted for the film, she thought she was agreeing to act in a documentary about Don McLean, the artist behind the iconic song “American Pie.” Luckily, she accepted the role amidst the confusion. Smith said that she will definitely be on board for the next ten installments unless the upcoming “Harry Potter: The Next Generation” series interferes. “Beer, Guns and Tanks: This is America,” a special feature movie, produced by the Military Channel, boasts nearly five hours of battlefield footage set to a blood-pumping Metallica playlist. Daring producer and former Navy Seal Bruce Jones says, “I waded through rivers of blood to get these shots, so I better win the Best Producer award.” Rupert Crumpets served as the film’s narrator, a heroic role that has made him a frontrunner. Rupert, a native of London, was placed in many dangerous positions in order to perfect the movie. “I had to reshoot the opening scene several times, in which I shotgun a beer while singing the American National Anthem in the middle of the battlefield. I was nearly killed several times… I will tell you that I’m very thankful for my stunt double.” “’N Sync: A 4D-IMAX Experience” is so 4D that you can actually feel Chris Kirkpatrick’s spittle on your face as he belts out the sweet tunes of “Bye, Bye, Bye.” One Direction star Harry Styles is vying for the Academy Award for his role as Justin Timberlake. His coiffed locks, eerily similar to Timberlake’s ’90s perm, make him a frontrunner for this year’s award. Harry’s American Work Visa will be renewed if he wins—an outcome that seems likely, since his performance was “so Biebertastic.”