The Eighth Page

Inside Looks at That Abominable Crook’s Favorite Nooks

Cries of terror rang out this past weekend in the Bosseyman Town Center as the Abominable Snowman terrorized residents of the town. This year, the Abominable Snowman has allegedly been on a rampage, creating more disorder than a Jackson Pollack painting. Reported to stand at over eight feet tall, the Abominable Snowman has sharp icicles for arms, foreboding powdery legs and beady coal eyes. He has been known to pick his nose… and his victims up before violently lodging their heads in snow banks, thus burying them alive. The Snowman’s violence enraged townspeople across the Midwest, specifically after that one “abominable” act. We here at Features were lucky enough to get the story from Terry O’Donnell, Head of the newly-founded Anti-Snowman Militia of Bosseyman. “I’d heard about the attacks, the stores being destroyed, the people buried—but I figured it wasn’t my business until one day, the Snowman went too far. He got the town bum, Billy. We all loved Billy. It just ain’t right! So I called up my friends and we got hold of as many muskets as we could muster. We keep watch every night at posts around town, ready to shoot the thing to bits,” said O’Donnell. Unfortunately, he failed to realize that the bullet would simply penetrate through the Snowman’s snow body, which in turn would reform as though there were never any wound. What shabby research. To hear a different side of the story, we sent out our star reporter, Dave Tiny. He paired up with ancient naturalist Clara Jones, an active Snowman sympathizer, to find the Snowman and hear his side of the story. They found the Snowman with relative ease living in a dumpster behind the town’s only Chinese restaurant. After talking to the Snowman on his own terms, we found shocking results. The Snowman was Billy the Bum’s brother! Approximately 20 years ago in the Bum household, Billy and his brother Bruce engaged in a life-changing argument: Bruce had decided to go vegan. The Bum family, known to be strictly conservative, was outraged. If Bruce had made the decision to go vegan, they thought, voting liberal was next. This could not stand, and tragically, Bruce was kicked out of the house. He became very bitter and, in the harsh Montana winters, developed a thick icy skin, along with a desire for revenge. Year after year, Bruce honed his craft to terrorize the town and eventually kill his brother, Billy, while maintaining his vegan diet. After his success, Bruce again became a pleasant man, and his heart began to thaw. The color started returning to his skin, and he said he wanted to commit to being kind again, saying, “I will be kind, be kind, be kind.” Our reporters were so touched by the story, they decided to sneak Bruce out of the state to Andover, Mass. He now lives in the basement of Pearson, learning how to make vegan cheese and dreaming about opening a wholesale flax seed business some day.