The Eighth Page

Family’s Value Increases as Stalks Rise

The Morgan family’s value has increased enormously after their stalks skyrocketed during this past harvest. They have faced some tough times in the past, with harsh winds, famine and drought destroying their corn stalks, but you won’t get them this year, Nature. This season, the Morgan family took a different approach to increase their family’s value and tried investing in a bunch of bulls from a local New York state bull market to nurture the stalks as they grew to maturity. Now, I know what you’re thinking, why would you have bulls nurture a crop of delicate stalks? Wouldn’t they buck things up like how they ruin china shops? Well, they did. The bulls helped make a few extra bucks. The Morgans really took advantage of the bulls in every way they could. For example, the Morgan parents would simply grab the bulls by their horns and use them to pull their plows through the fields. Several of the Morgans’ neighbors have been stalking the bulls to discover the secret behind their tenderness, love and care, which we should all emulate. A nameless source informed us that she spied the bulls using their own manure to cover up and nourish the sprightly stems. This may very well be true, but, as a disclaimer, there is little proof behind this claim. Even after this strenuous planting period, the bulls remained loyal to their corn. The Morgans observed that they would often gently nuzzle the young stalks and, in return, receive gentle purrs and extra growth spurts. “I used to sit in the fields and just cry. But now, since we got these bulls, I run my fingers through the rich soil and I can just feel our newly increased family value. These bulls transformed my life and finally gave our family some meaning,” adds Lehman, the Morgans’ thoughtful and polite son. Well, Lehman certainly has a point about raised values: overnight, the combination of the bulls and the windfall from a nearby storm converted the Morgans into the most valuable family at their local farmers’ market, the Upstate New York Stalk Exchange. Just in time for Thanksgiving too! Lehman’s brother, J.P., is thrilled with their new family’s value. “Without our steady bulls or that lucky windfall, we probably wouldn’t have had enough money for a Thanksgiving turkey.” The Upstate New York Stalk Exchange is incredibly excited by this literal windfall and urges all of the Morgans’ neighbors to invest in bulls if they want to increase their family values before the holidays.