Last Saturday, after the seasonal costume festival where students dressed up as the gods and mammoths, the administration took disciplinary action against over a dozen students on the grounds of a new campus-wide sensation: clubbing. It would appear that students are abusing their weapons to get cheap thrills as they fight and hit each other over the head. “You know, it’s just sad to see these bright kids doing this to themselves,” said an anonymous faculty member. “I don’t know what it is, but this stuff is popping up more and more in recent years. They’re just throwing their lives away.” Andover villagers have reported an alarming number of clubbing occurrences over the past few weeks. Students of all ages have been seen unsteady on their feet, drooling, bleary-eyed and even passed out on paths after partaking in clubbing. Passersby say that you can tell clubbists by their impaired motor skills and the way they slur their speech. One witness described the scene of a clubbing: “I was walking back to my dorm late last Tuesday, and all of a sudden I hear all this noise in the woods. There’s music and people yelling. I thought there might have been a bonfire or something. Then one kid comes tearing out of the bushes across the path, and he has this crazy look in his eye. When he sees me, he just chunders everywhere. It was like a vom-cano! And then he just passes out. I called PAPS, and stuff, but this kid looked seriously messed up. All this stuff is bonkers if you ask me—there needs to be some major change around here.” The clubbings often go on for the entire night, occuring on weekends and weekdays alike, leaving students completely incapable of studying. “Grades (and students) have been dropping in all my classes like crazy. They come in, fall asleep, and that’s about it. I had a kid throw up on the desk the other day, I tell you. And let’s not even get into the way they dress during these things—it’s godless.” Many students, however, have a different opinion. “There’s all this ughh ughh (prehistoric hoopla) about the clubbing phenomenon here. It’s not like this is a problem unique to Andover. Everyone clubs. For us, it’s a statement—a form of self-expression, if you will,” says a nameless student in response to the controversy.
