Frank Stein ’15 has always been heralded as a talented writer. He has won prestigious awards including, “Best Youth Writer in Southeastern Rhode Island,” and “The George W. Bush Award for Aspiring Intellectuals.” This time around, however, Stein has used his writing talents for evil. In his newest story, “The Yellow Blob That Eats Everything It Sees,” he describes a disturbing monster, the Yellow Blob, with such description that the monster itself seems to come to life. That’s the beauty of active verbs. Stein and his creation decided to cuddle down for a little movie night in the basement of Pearson Hall, but the blob managed to escape the emotional prison that was his book! Within minutes, the Yellow Blob started eating everything it saw—terrorizing students, teachers and honorable citizens alike. Stein, who remains in the basement of Pearson safe and sound, refuses to emerge from his secluded hiding place, and no one seems to have the key. Or know where Pearson is. Much like ancient Rome, Pearson has fallen off the map, and after years of disuse, the maps have fallen off its walls. Stein agrees to communicate with authorities in Morse Hall via Morse Code through the basement tunnel. We understand that Stein will not be able to write as eloquently in code, so we won’t need to worry about another man-eating monster being inadvertently brought to life by active verbs. “I’ve been unhappy now that my new friend has departed, on top of the fact that my girlfriend Shelly just left me,” Stein said. “The best way to handle my emotions is by writing new stories.” Stein is mistaken here, as the best way to handle emotions is by bottling them up forever. In response to questions about her ex-boyfriend, Stein’s ex-girlfriend, Shelly Percy ’15 stated quite frankly, “Frank has always been kind of messed-up.” Currently, the Yellow Blob is terrorizing the citizens of Andover, explaining the lack of “catbonering” this week to Andover students. One shocked woman, who encountered the Blob on her walk back from CVS to her home on Main Street, described it as “yellow and blobby.” Until the police department realizes that the Blob is a legitimate threat to the safety of the world, students should avoid going downtown due to potential injuries for which the school is liable. We all know a lawyer.
