The Eighth Page

Features Brings You a Q and A With a Real Live (or Dead…?) GhOST

Feech: What are the perks of being a ghost? Ghost: Well, when I was alive, people used to slander me, calling me a “creep.” Like, peeping is a natural part of a young boy’s life, and I happen to have the same young boy in me at age 106. But now people get more shocked than weirded out, so I guess that’s pretty cool. Also, walking through walls. That stuff’s real tight. F: What are some hardships that ghosts face? G: You know how hard it is to make friends? I can’t say, “Hey, I’m a ghost, nice to meet you! Oh, you ran away in fright? That’s surprising.” Ghosts don’t have big social lives. And finding a girlfriend? Forget about it! Female ghosts have the highest standards. Maybe I could hit the ghost gym a little more than once a month, and it could be in my interest to invest in a spray tan to go from an eggshell white to more of a vanilla seashell. Anyways, lady ghosts are selfish lovers—I always feel worn out and doughy afterwards. F: How do you feel about the media’s perspective on ghosts? G: Well, I like the positive attention we get. I love Casper, the Friendly Ghost. He really warms my heart. I’m also a big fan of the movie “Ghost” with Patrick Swayze as the protagonist—he’s quite the looker. The movies I really hate are “Paranormal Activity” and “Insidious.” I almost wet the floor when I saw those films, but then I remembered I couldn’t do that anymore. F: Do you ever sit and contemplate why you didn’t ascend or descend to a different place? Why were you left to meander about the Earth? Why do you live in a state of Purgatory? G: I’m on Earth right now? F: Haunt, chill or bury: Barbra Streisand, Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? G: Oh this one’s easy: haunt Billy, DEFINITELY bury Barbra and I’m actually chilling with Joseph Stalin right now!