The Eighth Page

Building Wall Gets Sticky

On the 1781st day following the construction of King Samuel Phillips Jr.’s first educational castle, his uncle, Earl John Phillips, constructed a new and less impressive institution in the frigid wastleand that is, in the local dialect, known as Exeter. However, Samuel Phillips’s castle, Andover, remained the center of culture, flourishing while his uncle’s hovel in Exeter did just the opposite. John Phillips’s authority soon became non-existent as his people were reduced to an unorganized bunch of wildlings.

After the longest summer known to Phillipian subjects, the wizards of Gelb declared that the warm season was over and winter was, in fact, coming. We all know that the approaching winter has brought with it something that hasn’t been seen in years: the vicious arrival of red walkers. As every winter approaches, the cold and depressing red walkers come in masses to Andover, searching for a fight with their more athletic, smarter, and better-looking Andover counterparts, whom they endeavor to eat.

Tired of watching Exonians attempt to break into his educational stronghold, King Samuel Phillips decided to up security by putting BlueCard scanners along the perimeter of Borden tower. Sensing the extra burden it put on subjects, the king decided to go with something a little more drastic. He discontinued all art courses offered within the castle except for Art 225B and architecture and only supplied the students with popsicle sticks as building implements.

King Phillips commented, “The tedious task of eating the popsicles, reading their less than satisfying jokes and using them to build the greatest wall the world has ever seen will teach my subjects the vital skills of wall building, as well as the essential concept of ‘Non Sibi.’”

Authorities walked a thin line between work duty and illegal child labor. After years of hard work and millions of brain freezes, the students successfully constructed a giant wall of popsicle sticks around the castle’s great lawn, in order to repel the dry, humorless Exonians.

The castle has also appointed an elite troop to serve the kingdom for life and defend the wall until death. The were called the Blue Heads of Key, and they controlled who gained passage to this haven of spiritual cultural and political knowledge. This noble force of ten patrolled the walls day and night, as they constantly chanted their ferocious and slightly provocative war cries, even screaming about their “color shout.” Everyone within a radius of pi cubits was soon very aware that these individuals did in fact enjoy “red meat.”

While these decisions proved to be a huge success in keeping wildlings at a safe distance from the wall, the lingering smell of delicious artificial cherry flavoring attracted a far more dangerous clientel: the Kool Aid man. Though he had to break down barriers to get here, anybody who’s seen a Kool Aid commercial knows he don’t let no walls get in his way.

Due to higher demand for styx, it has become immediately clear that Popsicle™ stocks will be on the rise to fame.