The Eighth Page

Andover Casts Away Some Outdated Sports

As you all know, sports are an essential aspect of the Andover curriculum to keep students well-rounded and to keep students from getting well rounded. That being said, some of the more historically significant sports that Andover has to offer just aren’t making the cut anymore. The school has decided to divest from these sports in order to put more money into the Fossil Club (As it turns out, golf, croquet and bridge will, along with their players, soon become Fossil Club members anyway). We at Spurts thought it appropriate to take some time to say farewell to some teams that we will be losing this year.

Despite the protests of a small yet passionate group of students, Andover has elected to strike out the bowling program. The bowling team was established four scores and seven years ago by one student who always seemed to be without a bowl to hold his soup. Thence forward, the bowling team has been a fun-damental aspect of Andover life. Bowling, we hate to see you go (but love to watch you leave).

In addition to the loss of the bowl-oved bowling program, Andover will be saying catch you later to the fishing team. Due to the lack of fish in Pomp’s Pond starting in the 1800s and onward, the fishing team has since been fishing for compliments instead. Unfortunately, the practices have become so high maintenance the school can no longer afford them.

The most controversial of the team cutbacks, however, is the squash team. The squash team used to play a much more significant role in the community. The squash team used to be responsible for planting and harvesting the crops of squash served in Paresky Commons. How exactly squash farming turned into to hitting a small ball around in a room (what is the point of that??) is still up in the air. Either way, the athletic department butter nut squash out the sport’s spirit!

Although these teams will be greatly missed by a whole four people, there have been some new additions to the athletic curriculum. This term the school has started offering bear skinning (winter is coming, after all), indoor pursuits (think outdoor pursuits but wait for it…INDOORS), exotic dancing (offered in Borden gym for patriotic upperclassmen only) and, finally, Unaccommodating Fitness.