The Eighth Page

Hey You! Yeah You!! How was Your Summer? Was it “Good?”

Many students were blown away when Ryan McStudent ’17 returned to campus claiming to have had a “good” summer. While many of his peers responded to the textbook conversation-starter with personalized adjectives like “cool,” “fun” or “too short,” McStudent forwent a novel reply using only the chic and youthful phrase: “good.”

“‘Cool’ is such simple and pure word, ya know? It’s just the perfect way to sum up the summer without offering too much information,” admits Connie Formist ’16, a resentful peer.

Although Formist assumes an envious and supportive stance on McStudent’s new expression, others of McStudent’s friends reacted differently to the avant-garde word choice.

“I have nothing against Ryan [McStudent], but am I the only one who thinks these contrived exchanges should be a little more repetitive? I mean, since when can you just pick any random word to fill in the blank about your summer? I thought we were trying to create a sense of community here, and a sense of belonging and inclusion for everyone.”

Isham nurse Ann Xious shares this outspoken view against McStudent’s cutting-edge response.

“Although we recognize the importance of self-expression, Ryan shouldn’t be allowed to shock other students out of the Andover blue like this. Many students are being dragged in states of true shock after brief encounters with Ryan. I’d hate to imagine how the poor boy’s house counselors are reacting to this recent spout of unharnessed creativity.”

Since classes have resumed this past Tuesday, four students have been reported collapsing from shock while two others almost hyperventilated to death.

“We had to sit those two Juniors down and shout mundane adjectives and adverbs into their ears until their breathing calmed down,” said Xious after the incident. “One of the girls got really close to normal respiration levels when a nurse accidentally yelled the word ‘fine,’ and that really started her back up again.”

In addition to health concerns, McStudent’s sudden rush of attention has disrupted the school order. Peers have reported that a small group of admirers follows Ryan along the paths, gasping and then giggling whenever anyone routinely asks him how his summer and first day were.