The Eighth Page

Andover in Desperate Need of Frosh Meat Delivery

After much prayer, sacrifice and a few voodoo rituals, Andover students have been rewarded with over 200 packages of newly-arrived frosh meat, finally satisfying the cravings of the Andover community.

For the past few months, the community has been in the midst of one of the worst famines in over a decade. Frosh meat storage units Nathan Hale and Rockwell had run dry. The only meat in storage was one, two or even three years old. Every emaciated Andover student agreed that the hunger was real (and so was the thirst). It wasn’t until it became clear that our beloved Gunga was starving to death, being forced to eat nothing but that old dried up meat for every meal, that campus crumbled under the weight of the gravity of this onerous situation. Mr. Palfrey was forced to declare a state of emergency, hardly able to support his own weight.

When word got out to nations around the world of Andover’s suffering, frosh meat from every quarter was sent to aid the community. Now, the campus is full of a variety of different cuts of meat: Sirloin, a gracious gift from Knight Lion, T-bone, Kobe that was massaged more than Kobe Bryant’s ego and even some succulent filet mignon (that’s French!). Finally, Gunga can sit down to a feast that’s more overdue than those library books you still have from Junior year.

Students from all classes have set aside their differences to gather and give thanks after a hungry few months. The Upper boys are particularly hungry for this frosh meat. Everyone brought with them delicious dishes that exploited the latest addition to the Andover community to share with one another including frosh meat stew, frosh Rangoon, frosh tartare and even creme frosh.

There were so many leftovers that frosh meat was served at Paresky Commons for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a week.

After only a short time with the abundance of this delicious meat, Gunga has already sampled it ALL. His mouth has taken a journey to every quarter, every continent around the globe and all 50 states, tasting the froshest of the frosh. It is clear now that Gunga has developed some very diverse tastes.

Some students are beginning to wonder what will happen when all of this frosh meat starts to go bad and age into a Sophomore slump. Will Gunga starve? Will he throw a temper tantrum so destructive that the entire campus will be brought to the ground?

One thing is for certain, however: soon enough the frosh meat will be old and rotten like the rest of it, and Gunga will be forced to wait another year to satisfy the hunger.

After all, although Gunga may keep getting older, frosh meat will always stay the same age, and will always be replenished every September.