The Eighth Page

In Shocking Turn of Events, Exeter Lies About Having Cool Stuff

On Saturday, the Exeter-based record label BIG REDcords, DEFeatures’ archrival, was discovered to be committing big time fraud. Instead of selling records, as their name implies, they were selling CDs. The company was placing CDs into record covers and marketing them as “mini-records.” Disgusting.

This act of trickery has caused widespread uproar. In response, high school students worldwide have been making “tsk” sounds instead of breathing to show their disapproval. This has undoubtedly sent the clear message to BIG REDcords that what they did was morally wrong.

Firstly, the oversized packaging for the CDs is an extreme waste of cardboard. When asked about the excess size, a representative from BIG REDcords, who asked to remain anonymous, justified this by saying, “We were trying to stay true to our identity as Exonians. Red just happens to be on the opposite side of the color wheel from green, so we must oppose everything green, which includes environmentally friendly practices.”

The representative went on to turn the argument around and accuse DEFeatures and Andover of abandoning their own heritage. In response, one of the DEFeatures representatives said, “We actually do embrace our heritage. If you were on campus on National Dress Day, you would have realized that people pounced on the opportunity to display their heritage: girls around campus proudly wore their J.Crew dresses.”

DEFeatures has also voiced a second moral problem with the recent scandal. Multiple sources have confirmed that bigger is better, and therefore CDs are not an adequate replacement for records. We even took a poll that confirmed this. One participant, a fisherman said, “the size of the boat does matter.” Not even the slightly faster and sleeker motion of CDs can make them better than the classic big black records.

Still, nobody knows exactly why BIG REDcords abandoned its use of vinyl. The environmental cost makes it clear that it definitely wasn’t because of profit deficits. Most likely, the sudden boom in sales was verification that records have become too mainstream. So naturally, they switched back to CDs because when hipster things get in style, the true hipsters start being normal. Furthermore, Exeter is so anti-anti-establishment that they were the ones who turned themselves in for fraud—not getting caught was also formerly known as hipster.