The Eighth Page

Welcome to Colonial Featuresburg! No, there isn’t a Busch Gardens next door.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye: Greetings! Stdravsvweetye! Hola! Gutentag! Welcome to Colonial Featuesburg! Years from now, we imagine families will visit here and have no fun at all, even though we shall advertise it heavily and pretend it is an amusement park! Here in Featuresburg, we remain pure, for we are the noblest individuals remaining on this flat stretch of earth in the middle of the universe.

As the first part of orientation, we should probably let you know a few rules: no fun, no dancing, no singing, no mirth and especially no skirts above the ankles. If, however, you have cankles, you are permitted to wear skirts above them because it will keep others from dancing.

Now, you may be wondering why there are so many skunks running around and so many pandas lounging in the trees. Those, however, are just our young avoiding the giants attempting to eat them and our elderly hiding from death in the trees. Regrettably, they share the same color schemes with these small animals, so we understand the misunderstanding.

Here in Featuresburg, we preach a few core values. Everybody has freedom of religion unless you have a different religion than we do, and also, you have to go to church with us anyway, or you’re a witch.

That’s another thing. We hate witches of all varieties. That means no putting meats within two slices of bread, no adding appositive phrases with which and especially no female sorcerers. If you say you aren’t a witch, you probably are one. Only witches call people witches. If you go to fight club and are caught talking about it, you may also be a witch. Also, if you find a way to print in the library without that time stamp on the corner of your paper, you’re probably a witch.

Featuresburg is a place where all are accepted! That is, except the aforementioned exceptions who are obviously excepted from this rule of acceptance. We residents love our quaint New England town much more than anything, even candlemaking.

One last thing you might want to know about Colonial Featuresburg is that if you don’t like it here, you should feel free to go to New Jersey.