The Eighth Page

Campus is Grillin’: Beefed Up Jerky

Craving something wild? This spring, Paresky Commons is releasing recipes for what is sure to be an instant classic: beefed up jerky. By following its simple steps and some animal tracks, you can make your own jerky before you can say “Bear Grylls” three times fast. Unlike your typical and boring beef jerky, beefed up jerky allows for a wide and free range of free range animals including common meats like bison and caribou, though its unique technology can also jerkify chicken, quail, bears, fish and some species of butterfly. Retreat to the Sanctuary if you desire rabbit, squirrel, tiger, chipmunk or octopus meat. Remarkably, the necessary apparatus to make jerky already exists in Paresky Commons: the waffle maker. “I didn’t realize we could jerkify our meat in the waffle maker, but one day the idea just came to me,” said a proud student, Sir Prized ’14. The process is simple: Paresky Commons will provide the necessary hunting materials such as slingshots, nunchucks and mace. Once you have proven yourself more physically capable than your prey, smoke your animal. It is best to do this off campus because the smell often bothers people. Next, slice your meat into thin strips. Hammering it lightly or hitting it against a table will ensure it’s tender, but if you choose to do this, at least have the decency to take your dinner out to dinner first. For a spicy flavor in your jerky, use the heat from the gender discussions around campus. Head over to George Washington Hall if you desire an extra Tang-y kick to your meal. The microwave works too, but if Andover goes through with this whole divest thing, electricity may no longer be an option. The next step is to place your strips in the waffle maker. After three minutes, your meat will dehydrate and become crunchy, textured jerky. You’ll never need Jack Links again! Finally, marinate your jerky with the tears you shed while writing your History 310 term paper. If you don’t have enough to coat your poultry, just wing it. “All this jerking is making me fall in love with meat again. My decision to become a vegetarian was definitely a missed steak,” Callie Phornion ’15 admitted regretfully.