The Eighth Page

An Open Letter From Patagonia

Greetings, students. I’m Patrick O. Gonya, President & CEO of Patagonia Dry Goods Manufacturers, Inc. It has recently come to our attention here at Patagonia HQ, high up in the mountains of Chile, that our fine handwoven textiles have become highly popular among the preparatory school community. I write to you, Andover, for the sake of all things rugged, demanding change. Since the dawn of the bearded outdoorsman and the rise of the flannel, Patagonia has prided itself on supplying dry goods to only the most rugged of people. In fact, Patagonia was founded over 200 years ago by Sir Archibald Forrester, considered by most mountain men to be the most rugged man ever to live, partially because of the manly temper tantrums that ensued whenever his dry goods got wet. Archibald was orphaned at a very young age and raised by a pack of eastern Canadian timberwolves. Sir Forrester built his own home in the Canadian tundra out of fungus and wild boar scat. To keep warm, he would don the pelt of a great moose, a tough sacrifice because the moose were the closest things to friends he would ever have. Archibald soon relocated his shanty to a more populous area, the Patagonia Mountains of Chile, where he turned a tremendous profit selling his imported moose furs. And so began the company that has become the great entity we know today. So, students of Andover: what’s the most rugged thing you have ever done? Were you raised by timberwolves? No. Have you ever had to build your own shelter out of fungus and scat of the wild boar? Oh, you haven’t done that either? Ever fought a bear for the last scrap of squirrel meat? Never? When was the last time you even ate a Clif Bar, for Pete’s sake? We’re very sorry, Andover, but you all are simply nowhere near rugged enough or bearded enough to carry the Patagonia logo on the dry goods you wear. Stick with Vineyard Vines for now. Sincerely, Patrick O. Gonya President & CEO