The Eighth Page

Student Never Wakes Up From Hypnosis

Moe Ron ’16 didn’t realize what he was signing up for when he snuck into the acclaimed hypnotism show last Saturday night… and never left. Unlike other students who returned to normal upon exiting Kemper Auditorium, Ron still remains hypnotized to this day. Ron claims to have originally hoped to attend the show and impress his lady friend, Imba Sill ’16. “Where am I? Oh, I just wanted a chance to show all the girls some of my rad, popping dance skills. Where am I? I’m Captain Underpants!” added a slightly frazzled Ron, who was making limited sense. So desperate to prove himself, Ron actually slept in Kemper the night before in order to get a good seat. Unfortunately, ten minutes before the show he had to sprint back to Rockwell House so he could spray on even more last-minute Axe. His heavy backpack filled with his Biology 100 textbook and maps of the campus weighed him down on his return, and he was forced to sit in the back row. As expected, Ron did become hypnotized. However, instead of impressing his crush, he literally crushed her when the hypnotist told him he was “on a trampoline,” and the girl was within dangerously close proximity. After the show was over, the hypnotist released everyone from their sublime states, but Ron remained under. “I told the class to settle down on Monday, and suddenly Moe began grabbing maps and spray paint bottles out of his backpack and nesting in the corner of the room,” admitted Miss Tified, his perplexed Instructor in English. Still, his peers dismissed these strange behaviors without question. “We’re so used to everyone in our grade acting like this, so we stopped questioning them. Plus it’s Moe, I mean, have you seen the kid? Wait, but actually, have you seen him recently? I haven’t seen him since Sunday! I hope he’s okay!” said classmate Dom Bass ’16. After days of questionable actions by Ron, he was sent to Isham, where the doctors worried at first that he had overdosed on boredom and fatigue. Luckily, though, they realized it was just a stubborn case of hypnosis. “It’s hard to treat a case like this because we don’t want to judge his actions if that’s how he really is, but how do you determine what’s his hypnosis and what’s his individuality?” said Nurse Hope Less. “We’ve also been struggling with treating this peculiar case of narcolepsy; it seems that he falls asleep every time the word ‘sleep’ is mentioned. This is unrelated, however, and we can deal with it later.” Though still subject to the whim of anyone who can say the word “sleep,” Ron went straight to his Disciplinary Committee Meeting to answer for the crimes he committed while under the influence of this unbreakable trance. His list of charges is longer than your CVS receipt at the start of term, including raising a banner of Nicholas Cage on the flagpole, mail-ordering lions to Paresky Commons and spray-painting the Exeter sigil on the Bell Tower. Let’s just hope the scan of Ron’s butt is removed from every bulletin board on campus before the DC’s final decision is made.