The Eighth Page

Student Forgets to Sign Overnight Form

“Yes, no finals on Thursday…” E.J. Eagleman ’14 purportedly snickered to himself. He was going to sign out of the dorm on Wednesday night, staying at the house of his girlfriend, Vicky Grosse ’15, pulling a fast one over on his house counselors. Man, having a day student girlfriend sure was the best. Little did E.J. know that he would run into Mr. Doherty, his house counselor, early Thursday morning at Dunkin Donuts on Main Street. Mr. Doherty was getting his Physics 550 class treats before their term presentations, a tradition he’s upheld for the past 10 years, when, “I just saw E.J. and Victoria in the shop, eating some donuts and, ya know, drinking some coffee,” said Mr. Doherty. Mr. Doherty is a reasonable, well-tempered man, but E.J.’s blatant disregard for the school’s rules was beyond acceptable. “I just walked into the establishment, and, ya know, I, well, I confronted him,” Doherty tells us. It turns out that Eagleman was booked on a flight back home to Little Rock at 7 p.m. that night, the same flight he had listed, yet exactly a day later. “The Academy has never been confronted with such a dilemma—truly a shock, truly a shock,” Eileen O’Brien, Associate Dean, lamented. There was a last-minute faculty meeting called, and it was decided that Eagleman would be exiled and detained in the basement of Bulfinch for the duration of Spring Break next to the tiger cages with a Bengal tiger that is, for whatever reason, elegantly named Robert Forrest. “That oughta teach him a lesson,” health teacher Coach Carr added. “I mean, Vicky coulda contracted chlamydia, or worse, she coulda got pregnant, and, ya know, died, if they kept acting on those urges to, ya know, take their clothes off and touch each other.” Eagleman, who now goes simply by “E,” a nickname he finds suits him better than the puerile “E.J.” and is more like his newly-beloved “E.E. Cummings,” whose book of poems he found lying around one of the classrooms. When contacted about his sojourn, E, who has since broken up with Vicky, somehow grown long locks he twists around in his fingers while staring off into the distance, contemplating and/or brooding and memorized all of E.E. Cummings’s work, as well as The Odyssey by Homer, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, Moby Dick by Herman Melville and lastly Prep, by Curtis Sittenfeld, says, “It was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’d like to thank Coach Carr and the rest of the faculty members who voted in favor of my imprisonment for giving me the opportunity to really find myself. I never really took my English classes that seriously, but this… this two and a half weeks of heaven, has really made me appreciate the complex power of rhetoric and my undying love for it. I finally believe in something! Oh, and Robert Forrest was a really cool cat. We got along pretty well. I think his favorite E.E. Cummings poem was “I Carry Your Heart with Me (I Carry it in),” because he would always purr a lot when I would read it aloud. Once everyone started coming back to campus and I was forced out of that heavenly haven, Robert was gone… he ran off after some ice cream truck that tottered by. I never saw him after that, but “I carry [his] heart (I carry it in my heart.) Love you, RF.”