The Eighth Page

Andover Family Vacation Turns into Massive Cyprus Pail-out

Although the discounted Carnival cruise in the Mediterranean may have been a tad sketchy, Macon Itreign ‘13 and hia family couldn’t pass up a good deal. After all, there was no way more than one ship would break down? Besides, a little dirty water and broken toilet couldn’t be that bad. They had to suffer their mother’s cooking everyday, which they could withstand in the name of a cheap trip. Luckily, the ship never broke down, but nobody had expected exactly how badly this Mediterranean getaway would end up. When the Itreign family arrived at Cyprus, things really started to go not according to plan. Expecting a generic island, this average American family was shocked at the luxury they beheld.. Cyprus was living large, with no sense of economic downturn in sight, and just because of this, the Itreign family wanted to buy everything in sight. Wanting to spend more than Kim and Kanye on their wedding, the Itreigns soon opened up credit card accounts at popular family clothing store Palaiós Nafitikó and über European car company, Spanikopitkar. Having forgotten their wallets on the cruiseship, however, the Itreigns were unable to repay any of their debts. After withdrawing the limits of every single bank in the nation, the Itreigns soon found themselves the cause of a massive economic meltdown. No longer could anyone wait an hour in line to speak to a teller, because, well, all the tellers had been laid off. Banks were closing. Pennies were considered gold. Some even desperate enough returned to a barter system, much to the chagrin of the goats of Cyprus. If matters already couldn’t get any worse, the island nation’s treacherous sinkholes opened back up, but there was no money to repair them. Instead, the citizens of Cyprus just watched in horror as their island became more and more doughnut-like and began to sink. “It’s like it’s jelly-filled, you know, with all the gooey sinking stuff in the middle,” said Georgos Poupadoupolis, an employee of Cyprus’s one and only Dunkin Donuts franchise. As the holes started filling with water, some rejoiced that they finally had a house with a pool and ocean views. However, the honeymoon didn’t last long, as the United States mandate for minimum vacation time is ridiculously small and it’s tough to take time off after your wedding. The sinkhole grew so large that it began to divide the island in two with a river. Just before ultimate disaster, however, one fell swoop of diplomacy saved the island nation. A member of the Eurozone, Cyprus received help from other nations to pail them out. Europeans everywhere flocked to the crisis region with every bucket and pail they could find, hastily trying to clean up this wretched sinkhole. Despite this overwhelming sense of European support, some countries were getting a little tired of pailing others out. “We, too, were once parted by an Amersterdam big sinkhole! But we handled it all by ourselves, and now look at us! Sehr gut!” said Ernie Albertstein, local German economic genius.. Smaller countries such as Estonia and Malta hated being the responsible countries that never got credit. “Our pails may be small, but our brains, and thus sense of responsibility, are large!” said Nikola Tesla, still bitter. Britain also had difficulty helping pail Cyprus out, as they would not shut up about how much better Cyprus was when it was a British colony. “Back when Great Britain ruled the world, pails were only used for happy things, like making sandcastles on our beautiful and warm coasts,” said some guy with bad teeth. In light of this unfortunate event, Cyprus will hopefully take a lesson from Destiny’s Child, Ne-Yo, Kelly Clarkson or Weebie, and understand what independence really means.