The Eighth Page

Studies Link Chicken Nuggets With Procrastination

According to math, there is a direct link between procrastination and the consumption of vegan chicken nuggets. We always knew that the pasty white filament within these crusty creatures was certainly not chicken, or any kind of other meat, and now it seems that it’s really somethin’ else.

But, what we failed to decipher was that the manufactured goop contains none other than Mr. Vick’s special recipe—a mixture of his trademark Nyquil, the less popular Dayquil, the fabled Zzzquil and the new adderall antidote, subracterall. Now what does this add (or subtract) up to you may ask? Procrastination. Math says that 97.69 percent of procrastination here on campus is due solely to our ingestion of those “tasty,” “vegan” treats.

Now, this discovery comes at a great disappointment to the student body because the Mighty Administration has decided to ban Paresky Commons from serving any more nuggets. They feel that the students will be infinitely more productive if none of them experience the symptoms of procrastination. Although they are completely correct, students are still extremely saddened.

One prospective student Tennison “10-Piece” McNugget ’17 explained, “When I heard the news, it brought tears to my eyes. The only thing that gets me up in the morning is the thought that I might be able to one day munch on some great chicken sandwiches at lunch, you know, the ones with chicken nuggets in the middle with fries on the top and on the bottom.”

At this point, we would like to say to all the Andover community members who have the same worries as McNugget, don’t fret! Due to our new “green” initiatives, Paresky is no longer allowed to use water to clean dishes. As a result, the residue from our long lost “chicken” will remain forever. A little bit of our favorite crusty creatures will be present in every one of our meals and in every reusable mug. This is a good thing.

The National Association for the Adoration of Chicken Products is up in arms about this prospective ban. The Association maintains that the nuggets are, despite any adverse consequences, a staple of the American diet and cannot be removed so easily.

This exceptionally powerful lobby has relocated all of its lobbyists from Capitol Hill all the way up here to the lobby of Paresky, where the lobbyists have been waiting for their friends to arrive so they don’t have to sit down alone when speaking with administrators. Crusading for the return of our beloved nuggets, and in turn our right to avoid our homework at all costs, these brave citizens are truly heroes. So stay strong Andover! Our procrastination will survive.