The Eighth Page

Shockingly Contagious Yawn Epidemic Ravages Campus

The yawn has long been known to be contagious. Studies have proven the fact that one person yawning will spread to another, but recent developments have proven that the yawn has a self-contagious nature. This newfound phenomenon that has recently hit Andover has since been dubbed the Great Yawn.

At 7:55 a.m. this past Wednesday, Ty Erd ’13 made his way into the Paresky Commons bathroom, after staying up all night studying for a big Chemistry test he was sure he would now ace. Though the sole reason for the trip was to fix his hair just in case that cute Junior made awkward eye contact with him on the path, he got more than he bargained for.

As Erd tousled his luscious locks, he looked up at the mirror and let out a long, drawn out and totally satisfying yawn. It was the yawn of a lion; the yawn of a king; the yawn of a mother bear. Gazing into the mirror, he found himself transfixed. Some mysterious force held his yawn together to form an interminable gasp. He could not bring it to a close. Seeing himself yawn only spurred his own yawn to new heights.

Thirty minutes later, Erd was still yawning a yawn to end all yawns. This was extraordinarily tough for Erd, as he has a very short attention span. “Yaaaaaaaaawn,” was all we got when we tried to interview him.

His friend, Dré Murr ’13, happened upon the Paresky bathroom pre-lunch to wash the blood off his hands from the massacre that was the math test he took first period. Catching the reflection of his yawning buddy, Murr found he had made a grave mistake. The Great Yawn. It spread like wildfire from Erd to Murr to the rest of the Andover community.

Stuart Pid ’14, in a moment of poor judgement and panic, sent out a fresh baker’s dozen of Snapchats perpetuating the Great Yawn. Starting in the bathroom, the Great Yawn soon engulfed Paresky and then the entire school.

This day was an unprecedented example of the power of the Great Yawn. Every Paresky worker, every teacher, every poor unsuspecting faculty child was exposed to this Great Yawn and was therefore completely incapacitated.

The contagion spread and the school was taken over. Andover has now come to a halt. Phillipians cannot escape it; they cannot even sleep because they just cannot stop yawning. Those not yet stricken by the Great Yawn have been praying every night to the Sandman, dreaming that one of these nights will be spent, not in front of the mirror, but in a nice, warm bed.