Andover has decided to ban wood products of all forms around campus as part of a last minute resort to save the seemingly decaying trees as the campus goes green, conveniently just after the Green Cup Challenge has concluded. Teachers are furious because many students have taken this new law as a reason to no longer take notes in class, and every single wooden table or chair has been removed from the library. As a result, there has been a severe drop in the number of students studying, which has caused most test scores to plummet. Students, although happy about finally having an excuse to not take notes, are still completely rattled, for without wooden pencils, there is no way to even write on the tests that they didn’t study for. A small but overly passionate following of students, however, are not only keeping their grades up, but also achieving rock hard abs by sitting on exercise balls while doing their work. These students refuse to let others sit on normal chairs and insist on “spreading the good word of core” to all. Turning to another part of campus, the wooden walls of Paresky Commons have been completely removed and replaced with a giant mirror. Students, although at first psyched about the idea, are now finding it obnoxious that there is no longer any privacy to eat in peace. Think you can sneak a piece of stir fry after it has been on the ground longer than five seconds without anyone seeing? Not a chance. Students are finding that nothing is more embarrassing than being called out by someone across the room who saw a piece of food fly out of their mouths while they were talking. The more narcissistic types, however, agree that it is fantastic that they never have to go a minute without checking themselves out in the mirrors.
