The news is true, folks: Exeter has officially tarnished the color red for the whole world. With the Oscars coming around the corner, sightings have confirmed that the even the famous red carpet will be dyed blue for the event.
“The board made this decision originally to honor Olivia Wilde, but we all agree it will improve the event for the general public if they don’t have to stare at that putrid color,” said Oscar worker Meyer Weiner.
Similar adjustments are being made in every industry: Red Bull released a statement last week apologizing, and announcing their new company name, “Robin’s Egg Bull.” Big Red chewing gum simply shut down, while others such as Netflix have completely restarted. “We chose this shade of yellow in hopes of recreating an entirely new image. We apologize to any customer who experienced any previous discomfort or sadness from our past advertisements,” the Netflix CEO, Hugh Lou Sbettar, said to the public.
Even in nature, it’s like some fantastic and kind deity has erased any traces of the disgusting tint. Doctors are confused as all blood types have suddenly turned clear. Cherries are turning black, apples are becoming yellow, tomatoes stay green until eaten and bell peppers have darkened to an auburn. Farmers also now recognize the sham that is raspberries: their new color change has revealed that they were just self-loathing blackberries the entire time. Furthermore, unprecedented movement under the waves baffles marine biologists as crabs and lobsters are all simultaneously abandoning their shells in search of less repulsive homes.
Major universities are also reconsidering their school spirit color. Colleges such as Stanford and USC are attempting to popularize discarded tones such as ebony and lilac. These will hopefully also help to keep a low profile until their past red spirit is forgotten. Harvard, however, refuses to change their crimson. “Despite the obvious discomfort of the situation, we’ve consulted our own experts who confirm that crimson and red are completely different,” adds an uneasy Professor G.O. Yaleseph.