As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, Features has assembled the Hot Guy Panel, Cupid and his Shuffling men, and Venus and the love gurus in order to help everybody with their Valentine’s Day woes.
> Dear Strange Array of Love Experts,
What is the best way to ask my boo to be mine?
Sincerely frightened, Timmy D. ‘16
_Surprise Her!_ Yell boo at your boo when she walks into a dark room! Every girl loves surprises. Why not give what she wants? Spontaneity is key to this attempt. The delta G must be negative. Ask her during conference period or during her swimming meet, preferably while she is underwater. Watch out that she doesn’t get too excited and lose the final game-winning race. That’s a sure fire way to lose your date and money your spent to ask her.
_Scavenger hunts!_ Women love to play games, especially with your heart. Why not heat her at her own game? Women love to hike through the sanctuary, climbing through trees and messing up their hair and makeup. By creating the most elaborate maze, rivaling Daedalus’ labyrinth, you will become her hero and pot of gold at the end, and she will be too overjoyed to not say yes.
_Mysterious Messages!_ Everyone loves receiving mail, espe- cially when they don’t expect it. Surprise your lover with some mixed signals. If you have a car, try to turn on both blinkers at once! Play hard to get; women love that. A let- ter that says “I’m waiting for you” or “You don’t know yet, but we are soulmates” will go over well with your new lover, especially if you use letters clipped from newspapers or magazines. Side ef- fects may include restraining orders, re- jection or a reputation as a generally strange dude.
Publicly! What do women love more than looking at themselves? Having other people look at them in envy. Green is definitely the new black. Any sort of public spectacle like the Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony or Obama’s State of the Union Address will do. Go big or go home. Literally, if you don’t impress her, you will be walking back to your dorm all alone in- stead of taking a walk through the Sanctuary while she searches far and wide for that last clue of the scavenger hunt.
_Disclaimer: we don’t actually know how sound this advice is, because 1973 was the last time one of these Love Experts wasn’t single._