The Eighth Page

Gum and Chapstick Sales At an All-Time High, Severe Shortage Ensues

As the impending doom of St. Valentine’s Day grows more and more menacing, students have been flocking to Susie’s for oral hygiene supplies, causing a severe shortage in chewing gum and lip balm. Though a similar trend has appeared in previous years, sales analysts theorize that the absence of sex education in schools has led to the widespread belief among teenagers that using artificial oral fragrance is an effective means of attracting a mate. This latest misconception has resulted in herds of adolescents walking around with their mouths wide open, exhaling their peppermint-scented breath on any and every member of the opposite sex they come in contact with. This misconception is also believed to be the primary cause of Love Sickness Disease (LSD), a nasty bug that has really ravaged Andover recently. The trend, however, is more prevalent at Exeter, as per usual. Exeter has an even stronger strain the disease, thought to be caused by their extensive use of breath spray and incubated in their pocket protectors. Exeter students are facing similar shortages, but of breath spray. The CDC is also implementing measures to prevent the disease from spreading and have begun confiscating pocket protectors. Exeter students, however, are less worried about the disease than their missing pocket protectors and the extreme breath spray shortage. They seem to not understand the idea of chewing gum and food in general. They prefer soft foods, like applesauce and fig puree. Exeter freshman Stevie Lessland ’16 explained his concerns, “My pocket feels so naked and unprotected. My pencils are just sitting in my shirt pocket with no layer of plastic to make sure my shirt doesn’t get creased! Also, the worst part is, through all of this, I have bad breath! With no breath spray, what am I supposed to do? Chew gum like a normal Andover student?” Along with worrying about dry cracked lips and smelly coffee breath, some students are concerned that increased demand for oral hygiene-related products may lead to the elimination of other, wildly unpopular products, such as Donut Gems, Cliff Bars and Slim Jims. However, if this year’s Valentine’s season goes smoothly, ice cream and cookie sales will return to normal around the 13th when 89 percent of students realize they will be spending the next day and night cold and alone in their unforgiving dorm rooms with nothing but a Pillow Pet to keep them company.