The Eighth Page

Andover Creates Lonely Hearts Club Lonely Hearts Now Less Lonely

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and we want to know about your plans for the day. If you are spending it with your mom crying over the replay of Titanic or cuddling with your favorite blanket, come join the newly launched Andover Lonely Hearts Club!

To hide the club members’ desperate yearning for love and to maintain some sort of mystery, the club has a gag rule. This is its one and only rule, much like last year’s more popular organization, Fight Club. If you break the rule, the club will break your already broken heart.

One of the members, Mia (name has been changed to protect from prosecution), addressed the mystery surrounding the club’s founder: “I know I’m not supposed to talk about this, but I can’t keep it anymore. I heard it from the girl next door in the bathroom, talking on the phone with her roommate, who tells her that her classmate’s sister’s proctor says her teammate claims Jake Nolove founded the…” Before Mia could finish the sentence, two skinny guys resembling Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre cut her off and carried her away. We have no clue what happened to Mia afterward or if she is even alive.

In spite of its thick veil of mystery, Andover Lonely Hearts Club is not a secret society. It offers an opportunity for all the single (and ready to mingle) people at Andover to bond over their shared loneliness. Among the members of the club, there is an unusually high number of retainer-wearers, suspender-lovers and solar calculator watch-embracers.

When being asked about his reason to join the club, member Mark Sologna began to sob uncontrollably: “I am here because no one in this world loves me, except this girl I met on Tinder who later told me she died in a car accident. But it turned out that she’s actually a dude and is still alive, and that really broke my heart.”

Members of the Lonely Hearts Club are not just everyday people. Brushing their teeth after every class period and taking showers three times a day, they practice good hygiene. Well-equipped with the abilities to recite pi to the thousandth digit and sketch beautifully nuanced illustrations with graphing calculators, they obviously are smart in many ways. And their freshly washed perms and askew glasses add an artistic vibe. After meeting all these lovely bachelors and bachelorettes, a question bigger than how many boxes of tissues they consume every day is: how can you even resist them?