The Eighth Page

Some Original and Uncommon Observations of Commons

Here I am, hidden in the deep recesses of what seems to be a great watering and stir-frying hole, Paresky Commons. Here the Phillipianus studentus and Phillipianus facultatus overcome their normally aggressive behaviors toward each other to reach Commons ground—or so it would seem to the untrained observer. As it is, though, there is no Commonsality in Paresky Commons. Through my years of intensive study at similar animal institutes, I have realized that the relationship of Phillipianus studentus and Phillipianus facultatus rather mimics that of Serengeti animals at a water hole—lions and gazelles may drink at the same place, but they stay on opposite sides of the pond. In the same way I see divisions in between the two species as they eat their fill. To better understand these divisions, I have divided the species Phillipianus studentus into several subspecies based primarily on what groups they form and with whom they participate in recreational activites. The first, Phillipianus studentus athleticus, seems to prefer large groups, which may or may not be restricted to a single sex. The subspecies seems to be larger and more aggressive than the others, which may be due to the fact that many of them appear to be much older than the general population of Phillipianus studentus. The second subspecies, Phillipianus studentus freshmenius, also appears to spend much of its time in large groups, but this is for protection rather than dominance. Phillipianus studentus freshmenius males and females often go through elaborate mating rituals that use many of their species as intermediates while they consume their meals, but my research on this topic is not completely conclusive. Studentus theatricalis is the final subspecies. I have observed many of them spending most of their time in smaller groups. Occasionally, Phillipianus facultatus will interact with theatricalis, but the facultatii spend most of their time eating as a group, only rarely disturbed by Phillipianus studentus in a ritual that involves rubbing a still undefined brown substance on the eager lips of the studentii. Crikey! Looks like I have been spotted by a Phillipianus facultatus. It appears to be displaying signs of aggression as I retreat to my hiding spot atop one of the feeding stations. Wish me luck—onward and upward!