The Eighth Page

Prep School and the Science of Attraction: What Up With That?

The Phillipianus studentis are a species of a hundred lovers and a thousand mysteries. Or is it a thousand lovers and a hundred mysteries? Well that, my friends, is just one of the mysteries. Phillipianus studentis woo their mates in many different ways. Though it is not the only way, I have observed that becoming a member of a varsity sport can be an effective way to attract a mate for one reason and one reason only: the jacket. Along with wearing vibrant neon colors and athletic gear at all times, males and females alike have been know to flare the blue and white stripes of their collars to make themselves known to the greater population. Similarly, I have observed tactics like yelling, singing, whistling or “accidentally” dropping a plate full of food in commons, to be effective means of drawing attention to oneself. A subspecies that takes this idea to a whole other level is the Phillipianus studentis yorkelaeus. Theses particular beasts tend to gather as one big pack and howl at the moon when it shines just right, hoping desperately to attract the attention of anyone or anything that will come listen. And interestingly enough it works. (side note: Take up acapella) Many Phillipianus studentis also also congregate in Susie’s. It appears to be a sort of meeting place or watering hole for them to woo each other. This lush oasis provides a lot of opportunity for interaction and plotting. At large gatherings that resemble dances but really can not be called a dance per say, maybe a stand… many males will line the walls as the “dancing” ensues in the middle. Garb also differs greatly between male and female Phillipianus studentus as they attempt to woo each other. Many females, in these winter months, tend to wear yoga pants. Similar to the question of how many licks it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop, the world may never know why yoga pants have become so popular. The answer is shrouded in mystery and convoluted by claims that it’s for comfort though it is clear there are ulterior motives at hand. Conversely the motive behind males wearing sweat pants is just as mysterious, almost as mysterious as the stork or La Chupacabra.