The Eighth Page

Hoarding: Buried Alive Hits Campus

Have you ever wondered where all your toilet paper has gone? Look no further than Turd Burgler’s dorm room. This past week, it was confirmed that Turd failed fire inspection after his floor collapsed.

After Phillips Academy Public Safety (PAPS) responded to the emergency call, the officers said it was apparent that the hole in the middle of his dorm room’s floor was due to the immense pressure of the weight of his toilet paper. What was left in the room below Turd’s floor was toilet paper heaven of Charmin Ultra Soft, Angel Soft and Cottonelle. PAPS even found a roll of Quilted Northern under Turd’s mattress.

This recent discovery of hoarded toilet paper in Turd’s room comes as somewhat of a relief for Andover students, faculty and staff because toilet paper shortages have been reported in Pearson, Gelb, the basement of Morse and even at Phelps House.

Sadly, this is not the first time Turd’s hoarding addiction has gotten him into trouble. This fall, Turd hoarded all the tickets to the Sadie Hawkins dance because he was afraid of not getting a date.

After contacting Turd’s mother, Mrs. Burgler, we found out that Turd has had a hoarding problem since a young age. “From hats, to silverware, to little people and even grass,” Mrs. Burgler said, “he could never keep himself clean!”

Turd’s roommate and twin brother, Richard Burgler, was irate. “I mean, we thought his hoarding addiction would stop after the little people, but this, this is too far,” he said.

After days of trying to find some alone time with Turd, Features finally caught up with him yesterday. When we asked him about why he chose toilet paper this time around, Turd answered, “Well, uhh, it’s funny, haha. Cause my name is Turd, and I was hoarding toilet paper. So like, irony.” After trying to explain to him how others might find this more annoying than funny, Turd simply replied, “Well, that’s your opinion.”

Although Turd may not be clean of his hoarding addiction, we can only hope that he will not relapse again and that the Andover community will be cleaner as a result.