The Eighth Page

Features Discovers Mysterious Alternate Plans for Bulfinch Renovation, Wonders What Else We Don’t Know

Though newly renovated Bulfinch Hall opened just two weeks ago, Features has discovered blueprints for an alternate renovation plan that the administration has been mysteriously hiding from the greater Andover community.

The blueprints were found inside a toilet tank in a Nathan Hale bathroom last Wednesday night (Features will not disclose what was happening in the bathroom at that time).

Always a proponent of The Truth, Features will now walk you through the astonishing plans described in these rejected blueprints.

If you walked up to newly renovated Bulfinch, a symphony of sounds would have been heard from the petting zoo adjoined to the cupola in the front of the building. The animals, which would have been imported humanely from our very own Sanctuary, would have been encaged in a pen of recycled metal, which would have been pulled from a junkyard by Junior do-gooders on a date that would have been Non-Sibi Day.

Pushing through the rotating door at the front of the building, which would have been set at 200 lbs resistance to condition what would have been our skilled athletes, you would have set foot on the ever-so-comfy shag carpeting that would have covered the entire building’s floor.

Upon entering the building, however, you may have asked, “Why is it so dark in here?” Well, Bulfinch was going to be lit with only blacklights. Apparently, this feature was put in the blueprints to give students some sort of incentive to wear cleaner socks. Who knows if this would have worked.

Walking in through the main hall, you would have passed by (but not entered, because you’re a student) the new faculty bar. Where Robert Frost once stood, now stands Manolo the Bartender. Manolo would have given teachers a hard midday Old Fashioned and invited them to take a rest on his handmade barstools free of charge. The blacklights would have contributed to the bar’s exotic ambience.

After a visit to the bar (which wouldn’t have happened because you’re a student), you may have been in need of a trip to the bathroom. Well luckily, this plan for Bulfinch would have offered new and improved bathrooms. Toilet technology would no longer have been a question for consideration, for the bathrooms would just have been holes in the ground.

It was predicted that this environmentally friendly system would have helped Andover win the Green Cup Challenge.

Next to the bathrooms, and frankly throughout the entire building, would have been Bulfinch’s new classrooms.

No longer bland and boring like most of the student body, different new classrooms would have included a ballpit, a room with fur wallpaper (courtesy of the Biology Department) and a room that’s actually a shark tank. The blueprints also did away with desks and tables and instead installed giant Lazy Susans to compete with Exeter’s revolutionary Harkness tables. Planned to be eight feet in diameter, these solid disks of wood would have been stacked with every condiment of learning imaginable, including the spice of life.

In order to explore the second floor and roof, you would have had to climb the refurbished ropes course that would have been moved from Borden Gym. It’s a team building thing, you know, because English classes are supposed to be close.

Once on the roof of the building, you would have been able to practice your swing on the driving range set over the baseball field or enjoy a discussion about “Huckleberry Finn” with your English class in the 20-person jacuzzi.

When approached about these blueprints, relevant administrators insist the plans were submitted by a professional firm.