The Eighth Page

Andover Prepares for Raging Hormones at Upcoming Rager

With the annual Gelb dance quickly approaching, the student body of Andover is facing a widespread epidemic more damaging and more contagious than influenza: Gelb fever.

This epidemic has become so serious that Isham has issued a public warning stating that “incidence is higher than usual for this year because of increased hormone levels from new soy milk dispensers in Paresky Commons.”

One sure sign of Gelb fever is the recent decrease of available mat space at the gym, a symptom of another disease called I-will-do-anything-to-look-good-in-a-tank-topia. There has also been a shortage of tank tops in the Boston area—yes, the need for tank tops has caused thirsty students to go all the way to Boston. The rumors are true: the thirst is, in fact, real.

Gelb fever has caused many to blast music in order to prepare themselves for the loud music at Gelb. Two popped eardrums have been reported in the past week.

In order to lower the risk of spreading Gelb fever at the dance this Saturday, the administration is taking many options into consideration, such as adding giant ventilators to mitigate the dense fog of adolescent euphoria, and mops too.

Many faculty members have complained, saying that the school is taking away their second amendment right to a sauna once each year. They are also mentioning how ventilation may decrease the learning experience that is Gelb, especially on the third floor in which kids learn valuable information about chemistry by experiencing the true meaning of the water cycle in ways that they could never learn in a classroom.

Another safety measure includes banning the carrying of any liquids over three ounces, removing your laptop computer from your bag and submitting to a pat down and cavity search (because you’re going to be doing that anyway).

Gelb fever is only expected to increase as the dance gets closer, so be safe out there and don’t forget to use adequate protection. We recommend hand sanitizer, frequent hand washing and donning a hazmat suit from your local Bass Pro Shop (they have everything).