The Eighth Page

The Administration Has Stolen Christmas!

Feliz Navibad folks. Feliz Navi-BAD!

A fortnight after two weeks ago, the Administration decided to cancel Christmas during the annual, notorious “Fall Meetings.”

Originally, the only thing on the agenda was a schedule change until Neil Ahlist, Instructor in Logic, and his life partner, Ms. Patty Thetic, Instructor in Health and Education, proposed a new item to discuss: cancelling Christmas altogether.

“Well, if you look at things from a logical perspective, it makes no sense to go home and then come back to take exams. Much more pragmatic to just cancel Christmas and stay here, I daresay,” Ahlist said.

Thetic backed her man up.

“Really, this allows the students to bond together in a ‘Holiday Cheer’ atmosphere,” she said. Well honey, I ain’t buyin’ your cheap rhymes, and neither are the students on this campus.

The day students in particular are up in arms over this change. Reb Elle ’13, a day student, said, “We can’t enjoy this so-called ‘Holiday Cheer.’ It is dangerous driving on these roads every day; the less school we have in the winter, the safer!” This sentiment is echoed by many other day students.

The students most affected by this drastic misfortune are the international students, however.

“I mean, how the bullocks am I to tell me mum?,” Carlyle Forrester ’16, a Londoner, lamented. The new policy prevents him from going on the three week trip he takes with his mother each year. The trip traces Indiana Jones’ various expeditions, and this year’s was supposed to follow the trail of the movie “The Crystal Skull,” so Carlyle is reasonably up set.

The faculty, on the other hand, almost unilaterally voted to nix St. Nick’s day and claim that the campus will be a safer “less rowdy,” environment, to quote Mildred Barnaby, the batty old lady who haunts the science building.

The faculty claim that “every other school has canceled this holiday, and we are following suit.” The house counselors will no longer have to track down “every stinkin’ kid for their stinkin’ holiday stinkin’ plans,” said Leth Arge, a house counselor. Arge is also looking forward to the lack of gizmos that plague his halls and are “a serious threat,” citing marshmallow guns, interactive Wii games, and skateboards as the most offending items.

However, not all faculty are happy with this change. Chrissie Maas, Teaching Fellow in French, is outraged by this slanderous change, boldly saying she would, “Never have come to this place had I known Christmas would become cancelled.” We are with you, Chrissie Maas, we are with you!

Will Christmas forever be abolished at Andover? “Who nose, and who cares?,” squeeks Seymour Shrimpnik, campus challah-specialist.