The Eighth Page

As Temperatures Plummet, Freshman Falls Victim, Freezes Solid on Path

In a chilling turn of events, Isaac Old ’16 was frozen solid while walking on the pathways as of approximately 2 p.m. on Tuesday as the sun set.

As a horrific snowstorm caused temperatures to drop to levels of extreme cold, the unsuspecting freshman spontaneously solidified while on his way to a Physics 550 test.

The administration responded the next day by sending out eight different surveys to the student body asking for popular opinion on how to solve the frozen freshman crisis.

However, while the majority of students voted to use candles to gradually thaw Old, the administration decided to ignore the survey results and opted to use flamethrowers instead, insisting that using the warming methods used at other boarding schools would be the most beneficial to Andover students.

Despite the attempts to melt Old, no progress has been made. Several members of the community have reported that Old seems to be “really getting into the spirit for the next Andover-Exeter game,” as he appears to be fully decked in the Academy’s classic hue. Go Big Blue?

Though many parents and students were concerned for the safety of Old, his girlfriend was particularly thrilled with the icy circumstances. “To be honest, he was a little clingy. Now I have time to myself, for activities such as snorkeling,” admits Titanka Seismacologist ’16, Old’s girlfriend.

Rumors have begun to circulate that Old isn’t actually frozen but is just paralyzed by fear of finals. Nobody has bothered to refute them.