The Eighth Page

Exeter Students Given Puppies to Prevent Loneliness

After a thorough investigation conducted by the Administration concerning the social well-being of Exeter students (even though they couldn’t care less about how we feel), the Administration has made a not-so-shocking discovery: Exeter students spend too much time alone. According to SurveyGorilla, Exeter students average roughly three minutes of interaction with other living organisms a night. If interaction with dead stink bugs and live cockroaches is taken out of the equation, this number drops to 28 seconds a night. Reports have shown that these are the 28 seconds spent suffering from stage fright at the urinal. The Academy’s students’ reclusivity has led to a complete dearth of social interaction skills, sky high math grades and 300 percent more Kleenex purchases in the Exeter region than in any other region in the world. In order to address this issue, the administration has come up with a flawless solution: to buy all Exeter students (even Chinnifer Lang ’13) puppies. The administration claims that having a puppy in students’ would automatically increase the number of hours of interaction Exeter students have with other living things. And parents need not worry about the health of these puppies; they are all CVS approved! It has been reported that over 90 percent of the puppies have at least one eye, and over 70 percent have at least three legs. The administration is hopeful that through the ownership of puppies, Exeter students will learn how to hug and will also learn how to spend time with something that doesn’t have an on/off switch. The administration’s new decision highlights Exeter’s extraordinary ambitions and its timeless animal mascot: the Puppy Rampant. In a statement to The Exonian, one of the puppies said, “Noooo woof!” Well, too bad, not all dawgs go to heaven!