The Eighth Page

Exeter Students Get Excited; Spluge on Underwear

As Exeter/Andover approached, Exeter was in a frenzy to create the best apparel in order to one-up its predecessor and rival Andover.

On November 5, this past Monday, the ad hoc committee to whom this momentous task was given spent the allotted $800,000,000 on copious quantities of gender-neutral underwear.

Students and faculty alike are questioning what brought about the foolish decision.

The committee was comprised of two students from each grade.

When asked about the thought process behind this decision, Calvin Klein, faculty advisor to the panel, said, “ In the end it was quite a spontaneous choice. These classic Exeter kids were overwhelmed by the task and submitted to this decision out of sheer feebleness and lack of anything resembling mental fortitude. If I were to equate the students’ characters to a tangible object, it would be a napkin, because that is the only object so void of personality and self-respect that I would ever put on my table. I guess they’re kinda smart though.”

More problems arose when the Ricky Bobby, a third-grader at Exeter Elementry School and the panel’s financial advisor, realized an accounting error in the budget allocated to the committee.

“It seems as though an accountant didn’t carry a zero or something and the boys were given $800,000,000 when they were supposed to be given $8,” said Bobby.

The cash was taken from the bathroom maintenance fund and the endowment. At this point, Exeter is not by any means well-endowed.

Bobby said, “They tried to please the student body too quickly. That’s a wild beast that takes time and care to satiate. If they had just held off, maybe they would have had a better shot in the end. But now with the endowment practically dumped into underwear, we will have to take all the Academy’s assets to the cleaners.

Klein said, “ What did we expect though? When you get a bunch of ambitious, tired boys shaking from stress in a tiny room, there’s only one possible conclusion. They’re gonna go out with a bang.”