The Eighth Page

Administration Bans Freedom: Students Rebel With Mild Hijinks

Because of the recent increase in totally free-willed and crazy students, the Exeter administration has decided to put in place a ban on everything. The ban was passed because students who once thrived on Exeter’s pimple-inducing classes recently led a new anti-productivity movement called “Mission Impossible: Socially Acceptable Fun.” At the height of the movement, students were spending up to 23 minutes a day on non-educational websites like Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. They actually dared to leave class to go to the bathroom and had formed an underground distribution network of the “Uncle Worm” game for TI-84 calculators (the only lull in the movement was a momentary uprising because the program was not available to TI-84 Silver Limited Plus Edition Calculator users). Since the Green Cup Challenge began last month, students have decreased their electricity use by only 7 percent in meek protest. The Administration finally had to pull the plug—the school was getting out of control. Though this is not the first uprising that has occured at Exeter, it is by far the largest in the school’s history. In the past, students have let out their wild side by staying in the library one minute past closing time, by washing their faces an extra time each week, by making a point to say hello to people of the opposite sex and by wearing blue jeans (the administration was more appalled by the presence of denim than by the presence of the color blue). Compared to the feeble outbursts of the past, however, this movement presents a level of student unity and boldness previously thought to be possible only in “World of Warcraft.” In response, the administration has decided to completely rewrite the Red Book to restrict everything, including students’ First Amendment rights. I mean, it’s a private school, so they can do whatever they want, right? Students may not use any Internet site except for Wikipedia, which is the only site they may use for formal academic research. The academy will continue to eliminate indoor plumbing to increase exposure to nature and discourage student gatherings in restrooms. Class will start 16 seconds earlier to abolish the student body’s only free time. To prevent online organization of protests, campus electricity will be shut down. Side benefits of this measure include reducing Exeter’s carbon footprint and returning to Exeter’s tradition of reading by bonfire. The new regulations will put and keep Exonians in their place, according to John Grand-Frere, Academy Dean of Surveillance. Just before this article went to press, several students were still considering a protest. They realized, however, that a new imposed regulation banned disagreement with Administration and the idea was abandoned.