The Eighth Page

Retrospective Advice

Retrospective Advice

From the Captains Hindsight

(A.K.A. Micheal Lata & David Belluche)

AS WE ENDURE the last effects of the so-called “Frankenstorm,” hurricane Sandy, we the people of your Channel 00 news team believe it crucial to inform you of the precautionary steps you should’ve taken prior to the storm’s arrival. While reading this, however, understand these tips were only useful for surviving hurricane Sandy, and should not be used to survive any other storm.

1. Acquire many boxes of Scooby Snacks (the gummy kind): Scooby Snacks are high in Vitamin A, B, C, D and F, and can turn any mediocre day into a little-better than mediocre day.

2. Stock up on trash can covers: trash can covers make for an epic toboggan when it comes to sledding during rain storms.

3. Obtain toilet paper rolls for days: the average person goes through 3.7 more rolls of toilet paper per day during hurricanes. FACT.

4. Make sure to load up on bottled water. Sewage can get into the drinking water lines and you could get E. coli poisoning. (If you don’t get bottled water, you may want to get extra Vaseline and 10 rolls of toilet paper per day. You’ll need them. FACT.)

5. Get lots of plastic bags: they are good to store whatever comes out of your body from the E. coli poisoning in when your power goes off and you can’t use the powder room. Then proceed to throw the bags out of the window in the direction of your ex-significant other’s dorm (the water will guide it down).

6. Charge your cell phone before the power is set to go off. You never want to miss an opportunity to make moves (Treat the hurricane as you would a horror movie).

7. Tweet about the perils of the hurricane with as obnoxious hashtags as you can. For example as one student put it, “@cHeavy2: so scared for this hurricane, everyone please stay inside and pray we don’t have school tomorrow #Ineverhaveschool @jpalfrey @PaStormTeam @the_phillipian”