The Eighth Page

New Study Drug: Hunger

After sports end, there is usually a massive crowd of students filing into Paresky Commons. They are all eager to eat the large amount of food that they rightfully deserve after a tough (or not so tough) workout. Because students dine at such an early time, they lack a sufficient amount of food to fuel them for the rest of the night. Whether it’s 15 minutes (you know who you are), or a few hours after dinner, this thought never fails to sneak into the minds of us students: “…I’m hungry again.”

While this late night sensation was formerly dreaded, some students have put this feeling to use in a frightening, yet innovative, way. These select few students have been using hunger as a study tool to stay awake ever since Wellness Week.

One student, referring to his instructor, said, “She really taught me and the rest of the class how to transform our unpleasant internal feelings of hunger and pain into positive energy that can be used to do work.”

Some students say that they are even more productive and creative when they are hungry. A source states, “The intense cravings and passion that I have because I am so hungry pour right onto the paper. My essays have more feeling now and are increasingly more filling.”

Some claim that they predicted this change. One student, Anna Rexick ’15, said, “I have been channeling my hunger pangs into energy for a while now. I knew other students would catch on to the secret soon enough. I don’t even eat breakfast anymore, just a piece of cardboard in the morning and 7 liters of water with a tablespoon of maple syrup, a spritz of lemon juice and a hint of mint throughout the day.”

Should the PA staff be concerned? While the community service board is thrilled to see humans consume less, others are not so sure. But hey, if students are more productive and getting better grades… what is there to worry about? The main concern should be student putting too much mint in their Hunger Pang Drank.