Dear Mom & Dad,
Let me begin by quoting an unidentified religious document: “Thou shouldst love thine enemies, but you certainly don’t have to like them.”
That being said, I love you guys. I owe everything to you, and I cannot stress how grateful I am to you for raising me and allowing me to attend the fine institution that is Phillips Academy. Unfortunately, my love only goes so far, and after weeks of careful consideration, I have officially decided to cancel your invitation to Parents’ Weekend.
Now, I know what you’re thinking right now. “Sweetie, we’ve missed you so much! We want to see you and your dorm and your teachers and your friends!” First of all, my room is a complete trainwreck, so you aren’t missing out on anything in that department. Secondly, it’s Parents Weekend. I do things on Saturdays and Sundays like… bingo. Yeah, bingo. Also, I don’t know my teachers: they’re basically just old people I occasionally talk to out of pity. Most importantly, however, is the matter of my friends. Honestly, if I count generously, I’ve only got about five, and if any of them meet you, they’ll drop faster than my German 100 grades.
To put it lightly, you guys are the most horribly embarrassing people on the face of the planet. Your obsession with Halloween has gotten out of hand. Not only do you insist that everyone refer to you as Mr. and Mrs. Frankenstein, but your affinity for zombie makeup makes people avoid you like the plague. Literally. They think you have some sort of disease. Which, come to think of it, you probably do, seeing as your diets are entirely made up of candy corn and Reese’s Cups.
Please stay home. I beg you. Let the award of “Most Ridiculous Parent” go to Sally’s hippy parents. (They cried after reading the Notebook, but not the Nicholas Sparks novel…just a notebook. They were sad about the wasted paper.) You’ll save yourselves a whole ton of trouble, and I’ll still have friends. I’ll make sure to call you two soon.