The Eighth Page

Early Childhood Recruitment Pose a Whale Of a Problem

The media’s attention recently focused upon Andover’s controversial recruitment of Dougie Schmidt ’25, known for his outstanding finger painting and for being almost fully pottie trained at a precocious age. With this attention on the recruiting practice, arguments have been raging about whether the practice is good for the students. While some argue that recruiting athletes at such a young age guarantees students’ ability to have access to a prestigious education, others claim that the academics required of the recruited athletes is unethical.

Furthermore, when one recruits children at such a young age, one can’t be sure of how they are going to turn out. Take academic recruit Hugh Jabutt ’20, who has been in the Academy’s grasp for three years now. Born at a whooping three feet four inches and weighing in at a hefty 64 pounds, Hugh was hailed as “The Big Kahuna.” Others just called him “Fatty” but officials in the field countered with “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Unfortunately, just after his siging with Andover, young Hugh’s pituitary gland went berserk. To put it gently, Hugh went straight Shamoo. Some doctors estimate the only reason he will pass the swim test is that he won’t fit in the pool. An Academy official stated the cost of feeding him was so immense that they needed to sell his underwear to the circus to use as a tent.

As more and more students are recruited at an early age, the Academy is urging the admissions and recruiting offices to keep the tragedy of Hugh Jabutt in mind when accepting young students with possible hormonal catastrophes buried below the surface.