The Eighth Page

Freshman Wins College Acceptance After Club Rally Sign-up Frenzy

Amid the chaos of Friday night’s Club Rally, a lone soldier rose high above the crowd, soaring to heights no Andover Junior has ever reached before: directly into the warm bosom of the college admission gods. After signing up for a whopping 75 clubs, Jimothy Lee ’16 managed to display enough initiative and ambition to secure himself a spot at an undisclosed top Poison Ivy League university. Despite the miraculous outcome, this Andover newbie came to the Rally with expectations much lower than his impending achievements warranted. “When I first walked onto the quad that night, I was feeling a little unsure of myself. I missed the laundry service pickup that week, so I had to wear the same underwear for four days in a row, and I just wasn’t feeling on my game,” Lee said during an interview Sunday morning. Lee said that his original game plan was to get in, sign up for three or four clubs, and get out. But as he entered the frenzy of screaming upperclassmen, his ego quickly began to inflate, and Lee was soon signing up for dozens of clubs at a time. “I knew from the beginning we were going to sign up for Mock Divorce Court,” said Lee’s friend, Atur Nee ’16. “At first Jimothy wasn’t too sure about it, but 10 minutes after we got to the Rally, he’d already put his name down on the list twice.” By the end of the night, Jimothy’s e-mail address,, had made its way onto a myriad of club sign-up sheets, including those of the Ginger Affinity Club and PATWM (People Against the Word Moist). “You know, it might be easier for me to name the clubs I didn’t sign up for,” Lee joked. “I was actually seriously considering doing The Phillipian, but there was some annoying, ugly guy in a newspaper hat screaming at me the whole night, so I figured it wasn’t the club for me.” Lee was notified of his early acceptance to the “university” on Saturday night via e-mail. The school, whose motto is “Admodum Ordinarium,” is located in Bloomington, Wyoming, and boasts a competitive acceptance rate of 2.5 percent**. The freshman immediately responded to the offer and plans to attend. Unfortunately, the mass influx of e-mails to Jimothy Lee’s inbox caused the Andover server to crash, branding the happiest day of the boy’s life as one of infamy. **should be read as a decimal, as the acceptance rate is actually 250 percent.