The Eighth Page

Andover High-jinks Strike Phillips Academy Campus Yet Again?

After last week’s theft of a Pine Knoll pedestrian sign, not only have the two cars that actually drive down there both hit and severely injured PA students and bunnies, but Andover High students have also continued to wreak havoc on campus.

Starting with theft of what is definitely government property, these offences have increased in both frequency and severity. Patty Hooselhoff ’13 had the misfortune of witnessing two Andover High students loot Susie’s last Saturday.

“I was just buying a bag of Donut Gems to eat so that I’d forget all my nonexistent friends were at the Video Dance without me, and these two guys were just buying a pack of gum. It was no big deal, really…” Patty explains, the overwhelming fear in her voice impossible to render in a mere newspaper.

The next afternoon, not even a week after Palfrey commanded the entire student body to “stay off the grass,” an Andover High student walked all over that fine stuff. And she didn’t even zigzag. When questioned by Andover’s quick-response emergency squad, the suspect’s justification was that she was “walking her dog.” Andover officials are still investigating exactly what this slang term means, but have growing suspicions that it refers to routine processes of running a meth lab in structures similar to the basement of Sam Phil.

Why might these hoodlums have chosen now to attempt full annihilation of the Andover community? The answer cannot be known completely since most of the suspects are minors and are thus protected from certain extremely effective and totally harmless questioning tactics.

However, Andover High students’ family role models can be connected to their recent behavior. Just last spring, a mob of residents of Academy Manor Nursing Home, many of whom have grandchildren at Andover High, broke into an orchestra concert that was clearly only open to the three Andover students who actually go to orchestra concerts. The sad truth that Andover High kids only have concert crashers to look up to helps make some sense of the ruffians’ behavior.

If you happen to find yourself at the scene of the next crime, protect yourself from these hooligans: stop, drop and roll. And then call PAPS.