The Eighth Page

Big Blue Crew Tries Something New

This past Wednesday will forever be known as the day that changed the sport of crew forever. For thousands of years, dating back to ancient Tokyo, rowers have been struggling, straining and blistering their oh-so-delicate hands on clumsy wooden oars to force a boat sluggishly through cold, cruel waters. But now, thanks in large part to Andover Crew, a stunning new development will change the world of crew forever: the motor.

The stroke of brilliance came to Coach Cleanscorch last Friday. “I was yelling at the boys from my motorboat, the Land-This-Chaser, when all of a sudden I heard a bump and the motor fell off. So then I was like, why am I not moving?! And I realized I wasn’t going anywhere without the motor! So I thought, what if we could somehow harness the power of a motor and use it on a crew shell! Genius, right?!” he said.

The first prototype was tested this Tuesday. According to inside sources, the design consists only of a crew boat with a motor attached to the back using, “super glue, twine and a secret ingredient.” We here at Features have narrowed the possibilities down to possible additives: both have a light side and a dark side, and both hold the universe together. We are, of course, referring to duct tape and the Force.

Coaches and rowers alike are ecstatic about the innovation.

“I think we have a really good chance of winning…as long as the motor doesn’t cause the boat to sink,” said one rower right before his boat sank. “We’re still working out the kinks,” said Cleanscorch, not even bothering to try to rescue the boat. When asked if he planned on assisting, he replied, “Are you crazy? I’m not going in there. Do you know what’s in that river? They’ll be fine as long as they avoid the used syringes. The river builds character.”

Thanks to the development of the NMRBTAMNB (No More Rowing Because There’s A Motor Now Boat) new race tactics including wake boarding, group jet skiing and banana boating on especially sunny days are being implemented. Coaches are already looking for ways to build upon this development with add-ons such as Nitrous installments, jet engines, hovercraft technology and possibly weaponizing the boats.