The Eighth Page

Stearns TP’d; Cuboidal Victim and Suspect

This past Tuesday, Stearns, a boys dorm in Abbot, was TP’d. Fortunately, no one suffered any long-lasting injuries, except for Max Cube ’12, who was quite rattled emotionally. “There was just so much toilet paper everywhere…everywhere,” he sobbed in an interview with The Phillipian.

The motivation for this attack on Stearns is still up in the air, just as most of the toilet paper around Stearns.

“Why did they pick us?” cried Cube sorrowfully from the window in his dorm as he looked out onto the damage. Since the incident, Cube has refused to leave his room. He simply doesn’t trust the world anymore.

Just as all roads lead to Rome, all arrows seem to point towards school prankster Sammie Blue ’13. However, I have reason to believe that the blame lies elsewhere. Who, you might ask, would want so badly to TP Stearns?

Remember the disgruntled Cube? It is a well known fact that he doesn’t want to go to Blue & Silver, and I believe that in a desperate attempt to stay away from the dreaded dance, he planted the paper and thus gave himself a reason not to go.

Pretty clever right? You can’t hide forever, Max Cube. I’m on to you.