The Eighth Page

Desired: New Medical Director

Do you feel a void in your life? One that could be filled by serving around 1,100 fresh-faced (well, not really, you’ll only see the sick ones) teenagers? While we’re at it, do you have a medical degree? Well if you said ‘yes’ to any of the above, have we got a job for you! We here at Mashi Lacidem Rentec, infirmary to the Andover elite, are seeking a new medical director; someone who enjoys long walks on the beach and doesn’t mind a sneeze or two…or three. Or hormonal girls. Or an egregious amount of mononucleosis. This job has got it all! You get to work, and all the time, too! Don’t worry about having too much time on your hands, for our student body is sure to keep you fretting about 24/7. Your years of intense study during college and grad school will be applied to curbing Andover’s rampant pandemics: the common cold, sprained ankles and headaches! What more could you ask for, you doctrine holdin’ director-to-be, you? NOTHING, I dare say! The assortment of mini-moisturizers, soaps, toothpaste and motley crew of cough drops are absolutely free! That’s right! It almost makes you forget about all those kids feigning malaise just to get out of their silly intramural sports. Contact Mort U. Airy for further information on this opportunity of a lifetime!