We all joke about the Andover Bubble, chortling quietly to ourselves when we honestly didn’t know that Bon Iver is pronounced like it’s French. However, what many students either don’t realize or seem to be completely ignoring is that the bubble itself is highly dangerous. When the CIA built the custom Bubble for the school in 1963, the Bubble was seen as a way to protect the innocent Andover student from the cold, cruel world. And from the Soviets. They figured that, should the Soviet propaganda spread to everyone in the world, the small microcosm of Phillips Academy would at least be safe, forever sheltered by the cumbersome and bulbous Bubble. However, the Bubble was only a temporary fix. The terrible truth is: our Bubble is running out of air. Indeed, though the administration has tried to cover it up, we only have approximately three months of oxygen left. You would think that the solution would be simple: just pop the bubble, right? Wrong. The CIA formulated the bubble to self-heal should anything pierce it. This is a result of the combination of ingredients including the Sorcerer’s Stone, a vial of Chuck Norris’s tears and Unobtainium, ingredients so rare that when combined, they cannot possibly be destroyed. I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Dear God, how can we fix this?!” “How do you get someone of the opposite sex to like you!?” “Does this look infected to you?!?” Well… I can answer the first question. My approach is a two-pronged pursuit. The first stage is simple: we must continue to pop the bubble as often as we can. The Bell Tower needs to be made taller and pointier, but, most importantly, we must all wear pointed cone hats made of aluminum foil at ALL TIMES, including while sleeping! That is, however, only a short-term solution. In the long term, the entire school must be evacuated and then transplanted. Preferably into a place with actual stores, movie theaters and other entertainment. I propose that we hold a “graduation” around June 6 or so, when all students in the Class of 2012 are evacuated off campus, to universities, colleges and internships their families obtained for them. We will then not accept a Class of 2016. If we continue this pattern, the school will be empty by June of 2015! We can then transport all buildings, even the Addison, to another place, and the school can start anew! Problem solved! You’re welcome! Maddie Kasper is a young woman who collects litter on the Andover campus. She still has most of her teeth left and proudly sports New Balance sneakers. She is a legal organ donor.
