The Eighth Page

Features Gets Sassy

Dear readers,

Beautiful, beautiful readers. Oh so beautiful. We, as your incredibly humble, exceedingly handsome and surprisingly contradictory Features editors are honored to present to you our first official section. For the next year we will caress you with comedy, hug you with humor and seduce you with satire. However we can’t say the same for the other sections, save Arts. That is not to say that Arts will do that. That was an actual desperate plea for someone to save Arts. God knows they need it.

With all the sincerity we can muster,

Your ever-devoted Features Editors,

Pearson W. Goodman & Hemang Kaul

Upper Management:
Upper Management, what a group of people. Sure, we here at Features are a little sore that we didn’t get the position of Joint Editors in Chief, but we’ve redirected our energy into constructing miniature, highly flammable origami versions of Sam Green. Nicole and Greg, in a highly televised event called “The Decision,” jointly agreed that they were going to leave their less prestigious sections and “take their talents to Upper Management.” Connie has been carrying a red pen with her everywhere and editing everything she sees, and Sam Green only got his job because Max carelessly said that the first person in the news room who could solve Freeman Hrabowski’s math problem could be the next Editor in Chief.

News. The heartless heart of The Phillipian. The annoying abyss, the boring black hole, the comatose calling card of The Phillipian. The first section you see. The last section you read. Just kidding! You don’t read News! You just look at the pretty pictures and occasionally take a gander at the headlines. The editors have already invested so many hours in the newsroom that Connor has become a robot, and Jessica is a zombie. Which one is worse, we couldn’t tell you, but if they ever got in a fight, we could totally sell movie rights.

Don’t we all just hate it when people try to shove their opinions down your throat? Well, that’s the beauty of the Commentary section! Instead of having to listen to people’s unavoidable personal opinions being shouted at you, the lucky Phillipian readers have the luxury of having these arguments in a written, easily ignorable form. Are you one of the small minority of people who like being told why they’re wrong? Well Christiana, Raeva and Zach will be more than happy to tell you! Christiana can tell you about how it’s just so hard never having to exercise for crew and just to sit there and yell, while Raeva tries to convince you that it’s actually fun to live with freshmen and Zach talks about how he loves every single All-School Meeting he’s seen.

If The Phillipian were a body, then Sports would be the muscles. They struggle with words longer than three syllables and have an even harder time digesting anything other than straight whey protein powder.
We’d love to tell you more about the new editors of this section, but Kristin, Kevin and Alexi don’t like to talk to anyone who isn’t on a Varsity sport. That explains why Greg is no longer with them.

This year Arts is down to just one editor. No, it’s not because no one reads Arts. Wait, actually it is because no one reads Arts. One might say Arts is the best part of the newspaper. That one person would be Sarah Lee. And then Sarah can barely even keep a straight face when she says it. Here’s a little riddle for you. Why did the Arts editor cross the road? Ooooh, I know! Because Arts sucks!

Oh, photo. What can we say about photo?
First of all, Scott, I’ve taken better pictures on my Nokia flip phone. Seriously? Your photos are almost as bad as your attempts at humor. Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but Photoshop can’t edit your jokes.
And, Stephen. Every single time we send you an e-mail we suddenly want to go to a marshmallow-filled theme park called Smoreland. Also, did you buzz cut your own hair? It shows.
They’re Lower editors. In terms of power, they’re about equivalent to anyone who buys a copy of The Phillipian because they mistook it for fancy kindling. Photo, why don’t you just go take a depressing picture and blog about it?