The Eighth Page

Student Spotlight: Walker Hallahan

Is there anyone on campus who doesn’t know of Walker Hallahan? He’s been revered since the first day of orientation when a rumor got out that he had kissed a girl before entering Exeter. The rumor goes that during a particularly raunchy game of truth or dare his cousin was forced to kiss him on the cheek.

Hallahan said that he chose Exeter after being rejected from any other high school except for Exeter High school, making him the first Exeter student to be accepted to multiple schools. Even the teachers are in awe of Hallahan, striving to befriend him.

Head of School Thomas Hassan gave up his home and moved into a freshmen boys dorm so that Hallahan could have his own house to live in on campus, saying “none of the dorms we have can accommodate the amount of swag Mr. Hallahan has, and we don’t want his peers to feel inadequate living with him.” There is some speculation that Hallahan showers on occasion, so the lack of showers in any dorm made it impossible to house him conventionally.

Hallahan works out weekly and is so strong that the athletic office had to order brand new 20 pound dumbbells, more than twice the weight of the previously heaviest weights in the gym. Hallahan is known for his trademark phrases “gadzooks!” and “jeepers!” which he uses to punctuate his hilarious jokes. In addition to being athletic and funny, Hallahan is also a level 60 in World of Warcraft.

It’s extremely tough to be part of Hallahan’s friend group. It costs 50 cents to eat lunch at his table, $20 to walk with him on the path and $100 to speak with him in public. The reward is well worth the price, however, because the only thing cooler than being friends with Hallahan is being Hallahan, something that all the students here at Phillips Exeter hope to attain one day.